Why do we say yes when we mean no? Why do we say no when deep down we wish we could say yes? These are questions that dig beneath the surface of our everyday choices, revealing the deeper, often hidden stories we tell ourselves.
In his insightful discussions, Dr. Gabor Maté highlights a core conflict many of us experience: we prioritise attachment over authenticity. Whether it’s in our relationships, careers, or even financial decisions, we often avoid being true to ourselves out of fear—fear of rejection, fear of judgment, or fear of losing connection. But at what cost?
Why we struggle with authenticity
At its heart, the struggle between authenticity and attachment is a universal human dilemma. From an early age, we’re conditioned to seek approval and fit in. This often leads to patterns of saying yes to things that don’t serve us, or no to opportunities that could bring growth, all in an effort to maintain connection or avoid conflict.
For example, imagine a friend asking you to lend them money. Deep down, you may feel uncomfortable—perhaps you’ve been burned in the past, or maybe you simply can’t afford to say yes right now. Yet, instead of honouring your boundaries, you agree, worried that saying no might damage the relationship. In that moment, attachment wins over authenticity, and while the relationship might seem intact on the surface, resentment can quietly take root.
The financial stories we tell ourselves
This internal tug-of-war isn’t limited to our personal relationships; it shows up in our financial lives, too. Think about the stories you tell yourself when making spending decisions. Are you buying the luxury car because it aligns with your values, or because you feel pressured to keep up with those around you? Are you saying yes to another family vacation because you truly want to go, or because you fear disappointing your loved ones?
Our financial behaviours often reflect deeper emotional needs—needs for acceptance, security, or self-worth. But when we act out of alignment with our true values, we not only jeopardise our financial goals but also lose sight of what truly matters to us.
The courage to choose authenticity
Choosing authenticity over attachment doesn’t mean abandoning connection or becoming rigid in your boundaries. It means finding a balance where your yes and no come from a place of honesty and alignment with your values. This shift requires self-awareness and the courage to confront the stories you’ve been telling yourself about who you need to be to belong.
Financially, this could look like rethinking your spending habits and asking, “Does this purchase align with my long-term goals, or am I trying to impress others?” It might involve having honest conversations with family members about holiday spending, choosing to prioritise savings over gifts, or setting boundaries when loved ones ask for financial support.
Living the truth of both yes and no
Authenticity doesn’t mean always saying no, just as attachment doesn’t always mean saying yes. It’s about being deliberate with your decisions and understanding the underlying motivations driving them. This practice can create a sense of empowerment—not just in your financial life but in every aspect of your well-being.
Dr. Maté reminds us that authenticity is not about isolating ourselves; it’s about showing up as we truly are, without fear or apology. When we let go of the need for constant approval, we open the door to deeper, more meaningful relationships and a financial life that reflects our true values.